Five Things I Do Not Say to My Wife

For you married men out there, you've learned a thing or two, haven't you? Marriage has been an educational experience. We've learned that women are complicated (aka crazy) in our opinion, because their brains are wired in a completely different way. Not surprising since we have a completely different chromosome than them! And that chromosome makes all the difference, doesn't it? Every marriage is different, so I won't waste time trying to generalize the "stereotypical" exchanges that occur between you and your spouse; but I will take a few minutes in this post to share with you what I've learned NOT to say to my wife. Hope you enjoy it.

#1 "I ate the rest of the cheese."

Good way to get my face turned into a halloween mask--permanently. Maybe you've seen the Velveeta commercials about "liquid gold" or the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese ones about cheese theft. My wife should be on those. Money = cheese > everything else.

If I eat the rest of it, I don't say anything and hope she goes shopping before she realizes it's gone!

#2 "I was looking on Amazon/Craigslist and I saw..."

I am an online wanderer. I like to drop in on websites now and then just to see what's there. I look at things I have no intention of buying any time soon, but I just like to see what's going on in the market. I look at furniture, electronics, gadgets, automotive stuff, houses, cars, and a bunch of other stuff. Why do you do that Dan? Because I like to learn stuff. Sometimes I learn about a new product that I've never seen before. Other times I just observe how prices fluctuate throughout the seasons to determine when would be the best time to buy something. I just like to see.

When I introduce my online adventure to my wife by saying, "I was looking on Amazon and...", she instantly says, "What did you buy now?" In her defense, I do buy a bunch of stuff on Amazon, so she's not being completely unreasonable. I've learned to introduce my new-found information in a different way. I've tried, "I saw this really cool product. Did you know they make...?" I've also used, "I'm not going to buy anything, but I was just looking around on...." These work better.

#3 "Why are you so tired all the time?"

This is a bad thing to say. It translates into, "You're lazy and don't do anything so you have no excuse to be tired." My blood is infused with caffeine most of my life, so being tired is a strange feeling for me. I asked this question a few times and got an ear full about WHY she was tired. I deserved it.

Some of you men out there need to trade places with your wife once in awhile to see what she has to deal with on a daily basis. My two year-old son automatically claims 60% of your energy on any given day. Throw in working, cleaning, cooking, organizing, laundry, and a bunch of other stuff, and she has a right to be tired!

#4 "You don't need more shoes."

Big, big no no! Shoes are the core reasons for female happiness, rivaled only by chocolate (and cheese). I don't avoid this statement because it makes her mad; I avoid it because she answers it with a detailed explanation of why her current set of shoes does not coordinate with the blah blah blah and I stop listening. I love my wife, don't get me wrong. I love talking to her--about things that matter.

#5 "You're watching another Christmas movie?"

For more on this, see my post entitled "Surviving Romantic Christmas Movies". It seems that these movies are very similar to crack--never enough. I like some of them. This question is promptly followed by a burning pair of eyes and an accusation of hating Christmas, which of course means I have allowed demons to control my mind. If I want to come back to the land of the living, I must watch.

Conclusion: Being married is a give-and-take. We compromise and do our best to make each other happy. I endure Christmas movies because I love my wife. She watches football with me and pretends to care about it. I love being married.

Disclaimer: This post was intended for educational and/or recreational purposes only and I will not be held liable for anything you do or say as a result of reading it or for any damage done to your marriage as a result! Thanks for reading.

Image credits:
Cheese image from
Money down the toilet image from
Tired Mom image from
Womens shoes image from
Christmas movies image from


  1. Dan I love your sense of humor, a quality that is an essential survival skill for anyone who's married! (I can relate to the love of shoes and cheese!)